|sigh... today's monday, I'm sick. I am tired, really tired... couldn't take it anymore after the bio practical this morning and went to signout of the school.. I want to sleep. I just need some time to sleep, and wish for nothin further. I needa rest, truly a good rest.|
Yesterday.. sunday was my otc last course day. The examinations day. As you all already know my schedule for saturday, I didn't have much time to study the 200 odd pages of course notes on saturday night.. I have soccer training in morning, 8-11plus, went back home to have my lunch and then rushed out to jurong east to meet up with my st john officer course mates to do the project which is due on sunday. We didn't have time because everyone needed time to study during the weekdays and we have only left saturday to chiong finish the project. We finished the project at around 6.30pm and went to find pat and her invited friends at k-box there.. kian, zhen jie, hq, fab4, and many others. It was around 7plus already when we all took a few neoprints and den left for dinner at "Let's Eat". Rather nice food there... lol =)
Then after eating, pat, me, gr, zy, kh and jx went to cck park to chat.. after sending pat home, I went home with very sore and heavy eyelids. I am worn out by all the stuff I had on saturday.. I tell myself, I still have exams to study, I haven touched a single portion of them yet, so I need to study now! As I listened to JJ Lin's new album, I read through the notes. 12am ticked by... I jumped up, realising tt I actually fell asleep a few minutes ago, but was awakened by the JJ's one of the song which had a drum beat. Oh my.. I told myself to concentrate but to no avail, I was too tired. I guess it's the soccer trainin which tire me out, plus I sleep for only 4 hours on the friday night.
Okay, I shall study next morning den, since I can't get anything into my head. I set my alarm clock to 4.55am and went to sleep (mind you, all the notes equates to a course book I think, so thick!)
However, I overslept.. woke up at 5.45 instead! I have to leave home by 7am and before that, I still need to prepare my uniform. So everything including breakfast have to stop by 6.30 to allow enough time for me to prepare. I had no choice but to do selective revision.
what the heck.. 9am sunday 24 April 2005, theory paper ends at 10am. I was stunned. I was shocked. I had nothing to say. I was stucked at the very first qn and I had little confidence. What I have studied, didn't came out. Instead, every other stuff in the course notes came out. I didn't know anything, how to do? I can only write rubbish. I thought to myself if the lecturer had gone through those stuff in class, I would have know, because I did listen in class. But, I am suay, okay, count my luck. Everything else came out except for what the lecturer had gone through, everything came out except for those I had selected to revise on. I am sad. I am shattered by the fact that I didn't know how to do alot of qns. Am I going to fail this paper and waste my 7 sundays? AM I? I am really frustrated. I dunno what to do.
I went to count how much I would get for those I know how to do one, it totals up to around 60 marks upon 100, I was very excited then. But again, the officer reminded us "75% is the passing mark for your info, not 50%. Don think it's that easy." This sentence shot through my heart and left a deep scar. I could feel it. The scar was a bad one, indeed. Nothing could cure the scar.
Durin lunch, my course mate, sonia (same class as my best bud, chee kong in aj) was complaining to the officer if she could go home earlier today becos she got 2 common test on monday and she haven study yet. I heard her saying "This 2 tests will be counted into promos! If I get retained next year and become a st john officer, I would rather give up this officer rank!" Immediately, I backed her up. I said "Ya la! I have 4 tests next week and I haven even touch them! Can I go too?"
The officer shot back at us "Are you going to waste your previous 6 sundays by just giving up on the very last day which is the exam day?" Yes, Logical. I agree. But what can I do? I am that day's group IC and the more I cannot leave! I was lost at that moment, not knowing how to handle that situation of my. I wanted to go home badly but I can't. I am tired and I wanted to catch a nap badly but I can't. I almost gave up, but I didn't. I persisted. I went beyond what I can achieve.
Went back to HQ and did my presentation on chocking and CPR.. and the 5pm, it was a lecture by one fellow who went on and on till 6pm. What the, the timetable says it should end at 5.45pm, but they have been letting us off at 6.30 every sunday and I gave in. I didn't complain. 6pm approaches and he's still talking, then there's debrief, and there's feeback session. 6.45pm, omg, my dad's waitin outside le, I cannot keep making him wait for me! I have been making him wait for the past few sundays and I don like to make people wait for me. I hate this feeling.
The whole course joked, crapped and 7pm striked. Wa kao, I know pat and zy meeting 8pm at cck interchange to go changi airport to send sean off, he's going to australia to study in their college... I wanted to meet them too, but I can't take out my phone to sms! I thought to myself 7pm... if I reached home at 7.30, eat, bathe, I still can make it at 8pm at cck control! Cos they didn't know I would be going to meet at cck too.. so I have to rush.
7.10pm, still dragging their stupid nonsense they have. I kept looking at the clock and clicked my finger nails, hit the table, and give the officer stupid expressions to hint them to hurry up. They didn't bother.
7.20pm, "Okay, I'll hand you all over to the Duty Officer to dimiss you all, there will be no last parade." Phew, finally. yes. "Okay, i know today's this group's duty, but I need everybody's help to put back the chairs to each room and the hall, make sure that they each have the correct number of chairs! Remember to clean the toilets too!" I am fucked up. Frustrated and irritated. I went up to the Duty Officer and said "Sorry, I need to go, bye." Grabbed my bag and stormed out of the room. Took out my hp immediately and had 3 missed calls and 3 messages. From my dad and from pat. Quickly, I called my dad to tell him I am out, and told him to get back to the car and be ready to drive off. cos I need to rush back to cck and then to cck control by 8pm. It seemed an impossible task. Called pat and cleared things up about the meeting time and all those, and realised that zy's not going to send sean off le.
Found my dad's car and the hawker centre opp. st john hq, but no one's inside. I waited, I called my dad. He said he was coming. 7.35pm striked. Feeling very very very irritated at that moment. I complained to my dad about the poor time managment by the officer, every sunday also like this, told him that I realli dun have time to do homework, I have 4 tests coming up next week and it's going to be counted into the promos, I am really tired, I need to sleep but I can't find the time, I wanted to do homework but I can't find the time too. I shouted, I yelled in the car, I complained. The more I vent my frustrations, the faster my dad drive. The more my baby brother scream, (my dad and me are noise sensitve) the even faster my dad drive. He drove at 110-115 km/hr on the expressway, knowing that I will be late to meet my friends at 8pm. The more I say, the more tears accumulated around my eyes... finally, I cried. Tears came out and I stopped complaining, my dad was driving and I didn't want him to know I was crying silently... I closed my eyes and allow those sad tears to leave me. I told him "I am really stressed."
I reached home and threw all my st john things all over my room. I slammed those fucking course notes onto my bed, threw my shirt behind me, threw almost everything related to st john off my sight. I am really very fucked up by this matter.
I am easily irritable could be due to my insufficient sleep for the past 7 days.. 5 hrs at most and 3 hour plus at least. 7 days a week and I work for 7 days. I sleep at 1-2 am every night to finish homework and projects from st john, and wake up at 5am every morning. I am really tired. I need to sleep.
Went to send sean off at the airport at 11pm and it was rather sad for me, to see my friend leaving... especially at the departure gate when he went in after the police officer checked his passport... ='( Gd bye.. and may we meet again soon... gave him a handshake plus a hug and that's the last moment before he went in..
Took a taxi home and reached home at around 12am plus, and tried to do some homework. But I didn't. I was too tired to concentrate. Woke up on monday morning (today), at 5am and did a GP annotation. Closed my eyes for 5 min on the bed before changin into my uniform and meetin my best bud, kian at 7am.
On the bus, I complained to him about everything, I just vomitted everything shit I have in my mind out, he lent a listening ear for me.. thx bud... I almost cried again on the bus today, but I held back my tears.. I could feel the tears coming out. All these are caused by anxiety, stress and frustrations.
I'll never forget what my dad told me during the trip from st john hq back to cck... it really helped.
Den at night when pat and I were on the way to send sean off, she told me 1 thing which I think it helped very much too. "Don't always see things in a way that, you have to do it, instead, see it in another way, as in, you are doing it because you want to do it."
Chatted alot on our daily lives and it kinda relieves my stress.. it was around 10.40pm on the mrt when I almost fell asleep, but I didn't.
Went to school today and signed out after the practical session in the morning. I just want to sleep, I couldn't last until 6pm today definitely. I am already feeling dizziness and it's like I am going to faint anytime. At least, I could still walk.
Went to see a doctor at 3.30 and got my medicine at 6pm -.- what a long wait at the polyclinic.. *closes my eyes.
My dad called and he, with my mom and my baby bro are leaving for bangkok today.. at 5pm, after saying gd bye to my dad on phone.. we hung up. and I continued waiting for my turn at the polyclinic. I then realised I have to go back to yew tee (my hse in case some of you all dunno), to feed the fishes... and my class ends at ard 5pm everyday. I am getting all the work I have to do and it's really very stressful.. sigh. *sighs a heavy sigh.
Today actually got chinese compo to write, but I signed out early in the morning so I didn't write. Tml have gp essay, wednesday have biolody test, thursday have physics and chemistry tests.. friday have maths test. I am really trying my best to strike a balance in everything I have in life now.. trying and trying. I've chosen what I want to do, and I'm not ever goin to regret whatever I chose to do. never.
*Tears of stress released, just like how the lava of a volcano flows down the slope...