Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Time: 1130 hours

Cooked a bowl of noodles. Placed it on an old wooden table in the living room. "World's Funniest Videos" was screened on TV. ah ma talked to me about money matters again. As much as I hate to talk about it, it was inevitable. She asked why I didn't wanted to study in Singapore Uni. (She mentioned about me doing badly in A lvls, not as good as my cousin - liwen, that's why I couldn't get a place in singapore uni.) She thought so because of the fact that I took only 3 As, and not 4 As.

As usual, she talked about my father again, my uncles, aunts. How they struggled during the 1960 s. Yes, I really understand the situation. Well, ah ma tends to stray off tangent with regards to the main topic of discussion. It's okay, I'll listen (perhaps the 20th time I'm listening to the same thing. I guess it's normal for them to be a little more naggy)

I suddenly felt that I'm in bedlam. I've no comments about what she said. I told her I wanted and had to study in Australia because singapore uni doesn't offer the course I have always wanted to study! Singapore does not have the space and facilities to support veterinary studies. On the other hand, what benefit has singapore got to gain from producing top veterinarians? It does not do the economy any good, and talking about Singapore's pillars of economy, the revenue veterinarians generate compared to the biomedical or manufacturing sector is kind of negligible.

*suddenly goes back into family politics again. It's really bad. my aunt who lives with me doesn't wants to ask me personally how I did in A lvls, and always talk to ah ma behind my back. She thought I didn't do well in A lvls.

During the 2 years in JC, I worked hard, studied and achieved the grades I wanted. Okay I am not as smart as many of my classmates, but when times were difficult during my J1, I told myself I need to hold on, I do not expect any support from my parents (it is impossible), I found my own source of motivation and I carried on. At that time, I didn't know how to achieve A grades for all my subjects. I felt seriously lost.

Then in year 2, I did badly for my common tests and had to drop my 4th A subject. It was very disheartening. I can only shout into a window, nothing larger than the size of my fist; my heart. Who can I turn to? I turned to myself in the end. All my father know was that he signed a letter indicating that I dropped biology, because I didn't do well in my exams. It is really not easy at all to find the right focus in study when you are constantly bombarded with issues like the aftermath of parents divorced, quarrels, moving house...etc.

I picked myself up and told myself since I cannot do anything about the family politics, I will not let it affect my studies; why should I anyway. As the saying goes "When the going gets tough, you'll only get tougher!" Very true. I believed in myself, that I can do it, and will do it. I am determined to prove to my father that I'm worth something, not one who flops and fumble.

Finally, I gotten my results. A-A-B. Relatively good enough for me to enrol into the veterinary faculty. But now what ah ma said really is hurting. It makes me wonder, what have I achieved for the past 2 years, what have I done and what did I aimed for?

I am thinking, if I can get my AVA scholarship successfully, that would be the best. It pays for all tution fees and accomodation. In return, 6 years of work with AVA. Hmm. There're always buts. What if...?

ah ma suggested me getting enrolled into singapore uni to continue my education, but as I've always said, what for? It's wasting money, and I will have no direction after spending years and getting a degree in singapore.

*didn't wanted to cry, and I hate crying.

so now what. To give up being a vet? Then the question now is, so what have I been trying to aim for all these years?

I pray a little prayer. Silently.

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