Saturday, April 30, 2005


WOO HOO!! This is my very very ever super duper damn rare first, yes, FIRST weekend after 3 months, that.... I AM FREE!!!!!!!!


lol.. don bother to call the IMH, someone already called I guess =/ haha!




See you guys around and SMILE! =D

Monday, April 25, 2005

S.I.G.H = Sick. Idiotic. Gone. Hectic

sigh... today's monday, I'm sick. I am tired, really tired... couldn't take it anymore after the bio practical this morning and went to signout of the school.. I want to sleep. I just need some time to sleep, and wish for nothin further. I needa rest, truly a good rest.

Yesterday.. sunday was my otc last course day. The examinations day. As you all already know my schedule for saturday, I didn't have much time to study the 200 odd pages of course notes on saturday night.. I have soccer training in morning, 8-11plus, went back home to have my lunch and then rushed out to jurong east to meet up with my st john officer course mates to do the project which is due on sunday. We didn't have time because everyone needed time to study during the weekdays and we have only left saturday to chiong finish the project. We finished the project at around 6.30pm and went to find pat and her invited friends at k-box there.. kian, zhen jie, hq, fab4, and many others. It was around 7plus already when we all took a few neoprints and den left for dinner at "Let's Eat". Rather nice food there... lol =)

Then after eating, pat, me, gr, zy, kh and jx went to cck park to chat.. after sending pat home, I went home with very sore and heavy eyelids. I am worn out by all the stuff I had on saturday.. I tell myself, I still have exams to study, I haven touched a single portion of them yet, so I need to study now! As I listened to JJ Lin's new album, I read through the notes. 12am ticked by... I jumped up, realising tt I actually fell asleep a few minutes ago, but was awakened by the JJ's one of the song which had a drum beat. Oh my.. I told myself to concentrate but to no avail, I was too tired. I guess it's the soccer trainin which tire me out, plus I sleep for only 4 hours on the friday night.
Okay, I shall study next morning den, since I can't get anything into my head. I set my alarm clock to 4.55am and went to sleep (mind you, all the notes equates to a course book I think, so thick!)

However, I overslept.. woke up at 5.45 instead! I have to leave home by 7am and before that, I still need to prepare my uniform. So everything including breakfast have to stop by 6.30 to allow enough time for me to prepare. I had no choice but to do selective revision.

what the heck.. 9am sunday 24 April 2005, theory paper ends at 10am. I was stunned. I was shocked. I had nothing to say. I was stucked at the very first qn and I had little confidence. What I have studied, didn't came out. Instead, every other stuff in the course notes came out. I didn't know anything, how to do? I can only write rubbish. I thought to myself if the lecturer had gone through those stuff in class, I would have know, because I did listen in class. But, I am suay, okay, count my luck. Everything else came out except for what the lecturer had gone through, everything came out except for those I had selected to revise on. I am sad. I am shattered by the fact that I didn't know how to do alot of qns. Am I going to fail this paper and waste my 7 sundays? AM I? I am really frustrated. I dunno what to do.

I went to count how much I would get for those I know how to do one, it totals up to around 60 marks upon 100, I was very excited then. But again, the officer reminded us "75% is the passing mark for your info, not 50%. Don think it's that easy." This sentence shot through my heart and left a deep scar. I could feel it. The scar was a bad one, indeed. Nothing could cure the scar.

Durin lunch, my course mate, sonia (same class as my best bud, chee kong in aj) was complaining to the officer if she could go home earlier today becos she got 2 common test on monday and she haven study yet. I heard her saying "This 2 tests will be counted into promos! If I get retained next year and become a st john officer, I would rather give up this officer rank!" Immediately, I backed her up. I said "Ya la! I have 4 tests next week and I haven even touch them! Can I go too?"

The officer shot back at us "Are you going to waste your previous 6 sundays by just giving up on the very last day which is the exam day?" Yes, Logical. I agree. But what can I do? I am that day's group IC and the more I cannot leave! I was lost at that moment, not knowing how to handle that situation of my. I wanted to go home badly but I can't. I am tired and I wanted to catch a nap badly but I can't. I almost gave up, but I didn't. I persisted. I went beyond what I can achieve.

Went back to HQ and did my presentation on chocking and CPR.. and the 5pm, it was a lecture by one fellow who went on and on till 6pm. What the, the timetable says it should end at 5.45pm, but they have been letting us off at 6.30 every sunday and I gave in. I didn't complain. 6pm approaches and he's still talking, then there's debrief, and there's feeback session. 6.45pm, omg, my dad's waitin outside le, I cannot keep making him wait for me! I have been making him wait for the past few sundays and I don like to make people wait for me. I hate this feeling.


The whole course joked, crapped and 7pm striked. Wa kao, I know pat and zy meeting 8pm at cck interchange to go changi airport to send sean off, he's going to australia to study in their college... I wanted to meet them too, but I can't take out my phone to sms! I thought to myself 7pm... if I reached home at 7.30, eat, bathe, I still can make it at 8pm at cck control! Cos they didn't know I would be going to meet at cck too.. so I have to rush.

7.10pm, still dragging their stupid nonsense they have. I kept looking at the clock and clicked my finger nails, hit the table, and give the officer stupid expressions to hint them to hurry up. They didn't bother.

7.20pm, "Okay, I'll hand you all over to the Duty Officer to dimiss you all, there will be no last parade." Phew, finally. yes. "Okay, i know today's this group's duty, but I need everybody's help to put back the chairs to each room and the hall, make sure that they each have the correct number of chairs! Remember to clean the toilets too!" I am fucked up. Frustrated and irritated. I went up to the Duty Officer and said "Sorry, I need to go, bye." Grabbed my bag and stormed out of the room. Took out my hp immediately and had 3 missed calls and 3 messages. From my dad and from pat. Quickly, I called my dad to tell him I am out, and told him to get back to the car and be ready to drive off. cos I need to rush back to cck and then to cck control by 8pm. It seemed an impossible task. Called pat and cleared things up about the meeting time and all those, and realised that zy's not going to send sean off le.

Found my dad's car and the hawker centre opp. st john hq, but no one's inside. I waited, I called my dad. He said he was coming. 7.35pm striked. Feeling very very very irritated at that moment. I complained to my dad about the poor time managment by the officer, every sunday also like this, told him that I realli dun have time to do homework, I have 4 tests coming up next week and it's going to be counted into the promos, I am really tired, I need to sleep but I can't find the time, I wanted to do homework but I can't find the time too. I shouted, I yelled in the car, I complained. The more I vent my frustrations, the faster my dad drive. The more my baby brother scream, (my dad and me are noise sensitve) the even faster my dad drive. He drove at 110-115 km/hr on the expressway, knowing that I will be late to meet my friends at 8pm. The more I say, the more tears accumulated around my eyes... finally, I cried. Tears came out and I stopped complaining, my dad was driving and I didn't want him to know I was crying silently... I closed my eyes and allow those sad tears to leave me. I told him "I am really stressed."

I reached home and threw all my st john things all over my room. I slammed those fucking course notes onto my bed, threw my shirt behind me, threw almost everything related to st john off my sight. I am really very fucked up by this matter.

I am easily irritable could be due to my insufficient sleep for the past 7 days.. 5 hrs at most and 3 hour plus at least. 7 days a week and I work for 7 days. I sleep at 1-2 am every night to finish homework and projects from st john, and wake up at 5am every morning. I am really tired. I need to sleep.

Went to send sean off at the airport at 11pm and it was rather sad for me, to see my friend leaving... especially at the departure gate when he went in after the police officer checked his passport... ='( Gd bye.. and may we meet again soon... gave him a handshake plus a hug and that's the last moment before he went in..

Took a taxi home and reached home at around 12am plus, and tried to do some homework. But I didn't. I was too tired to concentrate. Woke up on monday morning (today), at 5am and did a GP annotation. Closed my eyes for 5 min on the bed before changin into my uniform and meetin my best bud, kian at 7am.

On the bus, I complained to him about everything, I just vomitted everything shit I have in my mind out, he lent a listening ear for me.. thx bud... I almost cried again on the bus today, but I held back my tears.. I could feel the tears coming out. All these are caused by anxiety, stress and frustrations.

I'll never forget what my dad told me during the trip from st john hq back to cck... it really helped.

Den at night when pat and I were on the way to send sean off, she told me 1 thing which I think it helped very much too. "Don't always see things in a way that, you have to do it, instead, see it in another way, as in, you are doing it because you want to do it."

Chatted alot on our daily lives and it kinda relieves my stress.. it was around 10.40pm on the mrt when I almost fell asleep, but I didn't.

Went to school today and signed out after the practical session in the morning. I just want to sleep, I couldn't last until 6pm today definitely. I am already feeling dizziness and it's like I am going to faint anytime. At least, I could still walk.

Went to see a doctor at 3.30 and got my medicine at 6pm -.- what a long wait at the polyclinic.. *closes my eyes.

My dad called and he, with my mom and my baby bro are leaving for bangkok today.. at 5pm, after saying gd bye to my dad on phone.. we hung up. and I continued waiting for my turn at the polyclinic. I then realised I have to go back to yew tee (my hse in case some of you all dunno), to feed the fishes... and my class ends at ard 5pm everyday. I am getting all the work I have to do and it's really very stressful.. sigh. *sighs a heavy sigh.

Today actually got chinese compo to write, but I signed out early in the morning so I didn't write. Tml have gp essay, wednesday have biolody test, thursday have physics and chemistry tests.. friday have maths test. I am really trying my best to strike a balance in everything I have in life now.. trying and trying. I've chosen what I want to do, and I'm not ever goin to regret whatever I chose to do. never.

*Tears of stress released, just like how the lava of a volcano flows down the slope...

Saturday, April 23, 2005

\'Enjoy the wonders of nature, tranquillity is serenity'/
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Friday, April 22, 2005

Where's my break.. where? o.O

Where's my break... I wonder again. I seriously think that I really have no break at all... everyone may be stressed, but I think I am worse. Monday to friday, sch ends roughly around average 5pm.. and I reached home at around 6 to 6plus. After cooling down, bathing and eating, it's 8plus, close to 9pm. Of course a person cannot do every single assignments at one go, especially when you have chemistry, physics and biology tutorials on 1 day. And I haven include the time to study for tests, which are becoming frequent nowadays.. sigh ='(

When you're stuck at certain qns of tutorials, it tends to pull down your morale and it tires you out after much thinkin and energy used to solve the qn. When you start to think about other tutorials undone, it's worse. The morale decreases by another mark. Mr midnight approaches... then it's 1am. Time to sleep(or rather, have to sleep), but haven finish those tutorials! Never mind.. wake up at 5am to finish them.

Then here's my 4 hours sleep everyday, waking up at 5am and doing tutorials and sometimes studying for test. One thing i realised for myself, I feel more awake when i wake up at 5am to get my mind warmed up! Then I seldom fall asleep in lectures nowadays! Which is good.. haha =p

The week goes on... with almost similar cycles repeating every single day... Weekend approaches.. (smiles for everyone, sighs for me)

Tml's saturday, my best buds like kian and hq are excited, cos they going to attend my dear, pat's birthday celebration at K-box! It was actually planned on thursday, 21 April, her b'dae, but cos alot of people cannot make it on thursday, so she changed it to saturday.. and guess what? Even I really badly want to go, but I can't. I am like a piece of ham, sandwiched between 2 pieces of bread, school work and st john. Tml morning 8-11plus, I have soccer training in sch.. then after I come back, I have to rush to meet up with my otc course mates, to do a project, a presentation cum demonstration on CPR and choking. This is part of the otc exam, stands about 20%. This should end at around 6-7 pm? (becos we haven even done anything yet) When I reach home, I have to quickly go study my theory paper cos sunday's the final exam for otc. Plus I need to revise my practicals on first aid, get myself familiar with those footdrill commands and stuff related. can imagine the time I am going to sleep le huh.. sigh, one thing I cannot attend the K-box thing, which I foresee it to be very fun.. and the other thing is I don have a break throughout my week.. my saturday's ruined.

My sunday's ruined too. I have to prepare for this exam, everything. I have gone through 6 sundays of courses. I've sacrificed my time, my rest time, and my time to play as well as work. And 1 thing for sure, I am going to do well for this final exam!~ Sunday's course hours ranges from 7.30am--8pm, which should be the time I'll reach home.

Going home with sore eyes... a body totally drained out of its energy, a soul who just needs to lie down on the bed and take a few hours' rest. Time for homework? you must be joking.

What's after the rest (I'll sleep longer on sunday nights, cos I have a heavy day, and I need to prepare myself for monday with lasts till 6pm!), 6am monday morning! =D Schooling time!

And the whole cycle repeats itself... maybe it would be much better after this week, with sundays free of st john. But, I need to go down to spca to do my volunteer work... hmm, looks like I am back to square one again... :s

"I'll hold on tighter to my faith, and will never lose unless I quit." - ck.

*smile guys!

Friday, April 15, 2005

Punishment by the Time

sigh.. is this some kind of punishment by time? and I really mean the time which you get from the clock or a watch. I am running out of time... I need time to give me somemore time, time's really rushing me off my tracks and I'm on the verge of falling.. maybe not now, but soon. It might happen, it might not. I need to keep reminding myself that I cannot fall, once I fall, there's no chance of recovery.. no. not even a single sign of hope will linger around.... sigh..

what is this? I'm realli stressed out, drained out of my energy, but I believe everyone have their own problems and worries, everyone's stressed out too. I believe. Let me not talk about everybody, cos it's all together different situations for everyone..

I have a few tests coming up next week and I am not even prepared for the test... the foundation of my all subjects aren't even there, I don feel the confidence growing in me. It'll be only worsened by other things that distract me and add pressure to my daily workload.

I've been preparing a cycling course for my st john juniors in kranji - calling up the course instructor..confirming with kranji teachers and the instructor abt certain controversy, writing a proposal.. but I cannot find the right time for me to finish up this task! I reach home everyday at average 6 and it's like too late to call up teachers or the instructor already! But what can I do? I can only wait for weekend to come.. when I am free in the morning and the by day passed and the officer is pushing me very hard for the proposal to be handed in.. sigh

well, weekend? I've to really do my homework and revise on saturday. It's the only available day for me. Realli. You may ask, what about sunday. I've a full day officer course at SJ hq, every sunday, from 7am to 7pm.. for 7 consecutive sundays.. by the time I reach home, I can only eat, bathe, and maybe online for a while before going to sleep... It's really tiring to go for a full day and I cannot get myself down to the table to do any more tutorials. I'm stressed. realli.

Next sunday I am supposed to present my group's project on Head Injuries during the course.. we were given 3 weeks to do, yet I cannot find the time to meet up with my course mates. They live all over singapore, finding a suitable meeting place's also hard.. hai.. Somemore next week's also my officer course's theory paper and practical exam, and I don even know what's coming out in the exams. In addition to all these, I still have a group project; a proposal on First Aid Competition. This proposal's to test our organising abilities and teamwork.. all those stuff la.. I haven done any. I haven contributed anything to my group, I really... cannot, find the time, unless I sacrifice my saturdays and go meet up with them and spend the whole day doing it. If I do this, where's the time for my homework? revision? rest? where!? I hate this.. time's really punishing me.

moreover, I am not always free on saturday to have time to do my homework... I am going back to sch for soccer trial tml morning.. hope I can really come home tml and study. I need to study, really, I need to be on track... I am running out of time everyday..

Since monday to friday is schooling day, I have only saturdays to allow time for my SPCA committments - it's a 1 hour trip down to SPCA and a 1 hour trip back. Time! oh my.. but it also depends on whether there're events coming up and SPCA needs volunteers to go down. If it's on a saturday, I'd try to go down...come on, you might think it's a waste of time for such stuff, but i think otherwise. Animals out there need help! Approximately 1000 animals are sent in to SPCA per month and 90% of them have to be euthanized! Imagine guys! 90%, it's not a small amount, but why do so much of them have to be put to sleep? The only concern is because of space constraint in singapore, we cannot afford too many animals to be bred and then in the end they're either chased out of the house or abandoned. This is cruelty. However, is euthanasia a form of cruelty too? I beg to differ. It's just a way that animals are put to sleep and they won't wake up anymore. It's a painless and fast way of ending their life. It's far better than letting them run on the roads and get abused by idiots, or get run over by cars or even suffer in pain with a infection or a fracture somewhere! I have to help the SPCA, it's...a must for me. Perhaps, 2nd in priority to homework?

Sch work on monday to friday.. tests, sundays booked, saturday busy, plus the fact that I haven been having enough sleep these few days! Perhaps this is the reason why I am feeling rather stressed and frustrated now.. I have been sleeping 4 hours or even less for consecutive 3 days.. and I am really tired. (I watched soccer at 2.30am mah, so tired the next day, haha... don blame me, soccer fans will understand me =p)

Let's just hope that things will turn out to be better each day.. =)

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Wedding Anniversary.. ^^

Wedding Anniversary? lol.. not my though... aww.. haha! Not to worry, my will be coming soon =x

well, it's my parents' wedding anniversary yesterday, 08 March. My mom called on thursday and asked me to celebrate with them... so I told her my class end at 4-5 pm on friday, and could only make it after about 7pm. haha.. then she ask me to call pat along, which i think i should, if not I go there be lamp-post arh! Lol.. secondly also she's my dear, haha.. mus ask her along for such events... =)

Received a sms from my mom tt we would be eating at Tampinese.. *what? so far! lol.. * That was what came across my mind when I saw this message. haha.. so I met pat at 6plus and headed to Tampinese in my limousine. oh, I mean the mrt.. wahaha... *boy, I'm talking nonsense, lol! Reached there at about 7.30pm and have to search for tt restaurant, called Paris International Restaurant! Sounds classy and.. cool! Simply great! haha..

Here comes the food part which I am not going to dwell too much on, because everything just taste sooooo heavenly, just even the auroma of the dishes can simply knock 10 people out!! lOL... Had french wine inconjunction with the food too! Taste better than the last time I had it somewhere(forgotten where is it), haha!

Oh yes! The design of the restaurant! One word to describe: Elegant. The restaurant's characterised by dignified richness and grace, simply luxurious... gosh.. I'm faintin xP It has got those little crystal lightbulbs held on together to form a bigger globe and the lissome light rays shot across the hall as if the hall's endless..creating a totally romantic atmosphere for a couple or couples. =x hahaha.. simply love this restaurant! mmM! Jus close your eyes and imagine.. french red wine blending with the soft music playing in da background... ^^

Chatted till about 9.30 when the bill was settled by my dad (of cos), and then went for a Kara-ok session at Temasek club! lol! Actually my mom wanted to book till 2am, but it was kinda late, and thus we sang till 12plus and it's sometimes sooo funny to watch your own parents singing! lol.. pat sang quite a number of songs, pat n I sang a few too, and then.. my parents! Sang those super old songs! including Hokkien songs which are nice! lOl! haha...

Drove pat home and met her parents under her block (they went out to buy something I guess)..and I headed for my ah ma's house while my parents went back home to enjoy.. *grins wahaha... =)

Sunday, April 03, 2005

OTC Day 4..

Today's Officer Training Course (OTC) day 4.. or rather the 4th sunday. Haha! Woke up at 6.30, fearing that history will repeat itself again. Well, overslept the previous sunday and woke up at 7.10am! Oh my gosh! If I take the MRT, I'll be late by at least 20 min! Luckily my dad's ard this morning to drive me to HQ, despite his late night work till 3am this morning.. =D

After eating my ba zhang (rice dumpling) made by my ah ma, I set off and reached HQ at ard 8am... Hurriedly, I changed into my uniform and headed for the lecture room. Put my bag down and got ready for the morning parade as ususal... went to fall in at 8.15am? (Actually the time to report is 8.30am de, but becos everyone come so early, so the time to fall in depends on the whole course themselves) haha.. that is to say, we decide the time considered to be late too! =P It's always uncertain abt the actual time anyway, who cares?! lOl..

I can't believe that they mark attendance, did some scolding (used to it), check grooming, check unifrom.. all those, took such a long time tt by the time i got to go back to the lecture room, it was 9.30am le.. dots. T.T Stood in the morning sun for 1 hr 15 min just to 'warm' us up.. lol Anyway, we all sweat like crazy, didn't know morning sun can be so taxing! haha..

Lalala... interestin lectures today though, love them, cos they're inspiring and motivating! =)

Lunch time.. 12.40pm, *dink! yay! My team mates asked me where to eat, then I say "Anywhere except for BURGER KING." well, I had a phobia against Burger King, that gay king, and kian shuld know the reason for this.. besides, it's expensive, not so healthy, and I'm sick of eating BURGERS from BURGER KING!! argH! Nevertheless... as an Officer-To-Be O.o, I accomodated and compromised with those gals in my team to go Burger King to have lunch.. urgh.. have been having burger king whenever I see them on sunday (sick).

Came back from lunch and then later in the evening, we had footdrill till abt 6, and I cannot believe, again, the evening sun is so taxing too~! Oh my.. so freakin hot! Was sweatin like some kind of freak even before the footdrill start!

Everything ended at 6.15 and what a day for me! Well, 3 more course day (or rather 3 more sundays) awaits ck the great! =)