Friday, March 04, 2005

Goodbye my bud...

After much crying alone at home after learning that my best bud, wee kian, is leaving for aj, I decided to start on my blog. It was around 8.45pm when I couldn't control my emotions - after so much of quarrelling and arguements, in the end? I just cannot accept the fact that he's leaving for aj, but I wish to respect his decision too. sigh... why did things have to come to such a ending? why? why why why? Don't tell me, I don't wish to know either.

After I bought my dinner and ate alone (as usual) at home, I tuned in to Animal Planet and hope that it could cheer me up somehow. As I watched, I ponder on my best bud, weekian, who told me that he was putting aj as his first choice. I stared at the heartless sms, my heart wrenched each time I cried. This is how cruel the world is. I know it's always painful to make such a decision.. That's his decision anyway. I have no right to interfere his choice of jc.

He came to my house this afternoon at around 2pm, which after that we discussed and chatted over this issue. Alot of things which held him back from firmly choosing his jc. Alot. I tried to help him, but I really tried my best, I couldn't do much either to save him from this dilemma. I could only stand by his side, supporting every decision he make. Each time I know that he's not coming to the same jc as I am in, my heart cry. He wouldn't know that how much I'd wish to be in the same jc as he is. But, I have my own reasons too, I cannot help myself either. I cannot hold on to too much things and not let go!
Well, to think that he would most probably put pj as his first choice, he chose aj instead.

Then, I was wondering what he told me this afternoon. "I will never choose aj as my first choice. The building is so old! Who would want to study in such an old environment which I think the roofs will collapse anytime." I am really wondering, if he really mean that when he said that to me. At first I thought he don't want to go aj is because of the quarrel with chee, but then I realised it was because of the dilapidated surrounding. Fine, then don't go aj! That's why I told him.

He left at around 5.30pm, and me feeling sick and real troubled, decided to take a nap. Woke up at 7.37pm, awakened by the sms ringtone and saw that it was from wee kian. His sms wrote "Kiat ah..i think i choose aj..cos i can't imagine that there's no buddies by my side in a foreign jc..sigh.. My decision will disappoint many..sigh.."

I shut my eyes the moment I saw this message. I controlled my emotions, thinking through why did he choose aj in the end. Then as I walked to buy my dinner, I thought alot on it.. still not believing that he chose aj instead.

From all these things that I've gone through in simply a week's time, I've grown to realise alot of things. and it's alot of concepts which no one's able to understand unless he himself have gone through the painful and cold process. Well, have i understood? Or is this just the beginning? Am I the only person suffering? Or is it many other people? Am I the only one crying? Or is it my best bud is crying too? I don't know. But one thing I've to admit, I am really crying out now. Alone at home. The quietness of the house seemed to engulf me as I cried through the night.

Let me recall some things. He wish that I could be in the same JC as he'll be in other than pj, because his worry is that he wanted to take triple science and what if his appeal fails? He wouldn't want to take back the subject combi he's taking now - Maths, Phy, Chem, Econs. If he's taking this combi again, why not go to a better JC and take this? I agree with this statement, so what now? The appeal seems to be a must-succeed. He'd be taking a very big risk if he really put pj as his first choice. sigh.. tell me, what can I do to help him? I've already given him lot's of advices, we've gone through days and days of discussion, regardless on msn or on phone or face to face talk. I couldn't help.

The next thing I know is the heated arguement he had with chee (look at those previous blog entries from the 3 of us). Sometimes I see the unreasonable chee trying to argue his way out. Sometimes I think it's wee kian at fault. Sometimes I think I'm the one at fault for not trying to resolve the conflict but further add on to the heat. As I requested for enlightenment, someone scolded us and told us to wake up our ideas and stop pushing the blame to each other. I woke up. Did wee kian and chee woke up as well? Well, I am not sure either. I'm sure we all did our part in giving in? Explanations were accepted and forgiveness were given simultaneously... Finally, the conflict was over. Everything was over. Am I happy? yes.

But as I said, we cannot hold on to too many things in life at a time. Am I sad? yes. Although all the arguements are resolved, wee kian would be leaving me soon. I hate this feeling that's going inside me right now. I hate it. Why things have to end this way? Why can't the ending of the quarrel be together with the staying of weekian? Why must only the happy ending of the quarrel be combined with kian leaving for aj?

Perhaps I don't understand chee's feelings of having 2 buds leaving him in aj, and now kian's going there to accompany him. I think that he couldn't care much now as kian's going aj. Only will the conflict end when kian decided to go aj? Is it because chee's happy that there's someone to accompany him now and he don't wish to quarrel anymore? I am confused. I am lost.

I don't know many things perhaps. I feel so lonely now. I feel so left out. Chee, is this the feeling you're feeling when you chose to go aj at the very start? Can you tell me please? I am really lost now. I need someone to guide me. I need.

How should I explain this. There's alot of things in life which cannot be explained. For example, why didn't I go aj with kian when my L1R5 is sure to make it in aj? Why didn't I go with kian to nanyang jc when we both wish to go there as well? There's alot of things holding me back for all these decisions I've made. Well, life's all about making decisions.. and I'll never regret any decisions that I've made. Why regret when you can't change it anymore?

As tears slowly filled my eyes when I write this, I cannot clearly what am I typing now. I don't know how to continue this piece of blog entry anymore, I don't know how should I react to kian's decision. I respect his decision though, but I just cannot bring myself to accept it. I finally tasted the painful feeling of a best bud leaving me. Although the posting results won't be out soon, but having L1R5 10pts and opting for aj as first choice, isn't that almost 99% chance of getting into aj?

For any future joys or woes that might happen to you, I am sorry I couldn't stand by you to help you in your problems. Goodbye my bud...


Anonymous said...

What goodbye? I am realli angry with you..u are my best buddy forever! There's no goodbye for us!!! Remember wad i said..True friends are always linked together in the heart..=) I believe that the issue of different jc will not bring us any apart!!! We must believe that wad ur blog is true too! A difficulty conquered means a closer friendship..i believe this separation will not change anything! =D We will continue to have outings together...meeting without any reasons...and chatting till the wee hours of the morning! =D Dry those tears, my best bud..

Your bestie, Kian =)

Anonymous said...

heyz kiat ar.. my gay partner.. dry ur tears ar.. u still have another bud or two in the same sch wat.. isnt mi and hq not one?? cheer up dude.. tis is life yea.. choices are indeed diff to choose eh.. but.. haiz.. i m speechless.. dunno how to comment animore le.. takae care bud..

synthesis said...

Wei... no goodbyes one. But it'll be difficult. You're still find, you got most of the gang with you! Me went to AJ totally single... (ee teng's not really that nice a guy :P) Eh, we all will get new friends one and we all will still hold on to relationships like this :D It's life long. There are so many chances we can meet - NS/Uni/Work/Social lives. Relax bud, don't cry over such things, many things in life are worth tears but not such a decision. Perhaps it didn't look like it mattered much to me because I'm used to solidarity but... sigh... it was still a hurdle I got over. I hoped I can make everyone happy by not pulling anyone away from where they don't want to be but -.-" dunno la things in life is unpredictable. BUT WE WILL BE BEST BUDS, that's predictable.

Anonymous said...

hey! you ok anot? your making me worried!